Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize