We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
