I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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