Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
Randomize
