You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
