You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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