I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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