I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?
You might end up in the wrong class.
I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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