We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I have feelings that need drinking.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Randomize
