that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
