Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Only thing I know is apparently I danced with a bouncer and we got a ride back from a valet who was driving one of the cars he was supposed to be parking
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
