They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
In case any of you were wondering, kyle is alive. He also intends to do the same thing tommorow night and the night after.Goodnight everyone
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
