This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
