I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
