please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
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