I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Take off your clothes and see if he wants to have sex, that's a good way to find out
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
