Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
i told you that I felt like my feet were melting into the ground and you starting blowing on them to put out the "invisible fire". thanks friend.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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