I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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