hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
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