How'd it feel making her break her religion?
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You blinded her by spitting vodka in her eyes, the vodka you had just taken as a body shot off of her.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
