There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
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