Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
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