we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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