I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
