so I was thinking like, Rob Pattinson could make so much money whoring himself out dressed as Edward Cullen.
yeah, I mean if he's down to fuck a lot of fat chicks and stare at Tiger Beat posters of himself above the bed...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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