I feel great
I just peed on a car
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I’ve slept with a Senior, a Freshman and a Junior so far. I’m a Sophomore away from hitting for the cycle
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
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