You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
