I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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