so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
