i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I found her sleepin on the side of the house in the rocks. so i woke her up and yelled at her and she would only come inside if i let her sleep in the bathroom.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
beach body workouts will consist of dancing and cocaine, and sugar free redbull
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Randomize
