You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
Randomize
