I didn't shave. On purpose
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Randomize
