New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
