"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I was looking threw the photos on my phone. There is 8 different ones of us peeing on things.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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