I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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