I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
