my mouth tastes like poor choices
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
the day i stop sending you hentai screenshots is the day i actually act like an adult, and TRUST ME. THAT AINT HAPPENING ANYTIME SOON.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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