Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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