i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
