I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
you busted in the room, ripped the covers off of us, ... and fist pumped
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
