im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
