i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm ready for my liver to be the last casualty of 2009
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
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