that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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