ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
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