Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
Randomize
