Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
He's a huge toolbag douche loser with a below average dick who doesn't know how to treat a girlfriend. He was my rebound after Brady. It was a pitiful 1 month rebound "extravaganza"
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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