When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
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