Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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