My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
