Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
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