I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Randomize
