$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I thought it was a drawer and tried to pull it out and it wasnt a drawer it was the police call button. I hate everything.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Back at condo with chick. What is the condom situation urgent response needed
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Randomize
