Tell her she can't have a vagina
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
why do cheetos always look like penises
Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day
So gin and wine won't be happening again
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
Randomize
