The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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