the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
