You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
He kept saying 'your mouth is Amazing' even after I was on his dick.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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