Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
we were pretty classy up until the second keg
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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