I cannot find my penis.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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