you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Randomize
