I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Found your counterpart from cali. Walked into the bar we were in with milk and a donut, ordered a beer and said anything his group wanted was on his tab....dangerous
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
