Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
NoShamevember. You game?
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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