His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
