She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
why do cheetos always look like penises
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
