my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
